CURLING HUMOUR: LONGER THAN ONE-LINERS DROLERIES DU JEU DE CURLING: PLUS QU'UNE LIGNE

10. They start pebbling the ice in the fourth end.
9. Your skip keeps saying, "Nice try!"
8. Your opposition starts hanging its score on the next sheet.
7. While you're in the washroom, your team-mates sneak away to the bar.
6. The Ice-maker starts heckling you.
5. It's only the third end and already you owe your team-mates six drinks.
4. Your opposition is lying four and your skip wants you to throw your rock through the house.
3. You throw out your knee in the first end and your team-mates don't even notice.
2. Your sweepers burst into laughter when you release your rock.
1. You score an eight-ender in the second end and you have to throw your last rock to win 9-8.

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1. Thou shalt worship the lord thy skip with all thy heart and all thy soul. Thou shalt not taketh the name of thy skip in vain.
2. Thou shalt observe each curling day as a holy day. Six days shall ye toil, but on curling day thou shalt enter the House of Curling and partieth on.
3. Thou shalt not wear thy street shoes upon the surface of the ice. The skips must stone to death any infidel who bringeth unholy crap upon the ice.
4. Thou shalt not pass wind in the direction of thy opposing skip. If this ye doest, the penalty shall be death.
5. Thou shalt place thy skip's rock before the holy hack with the handle pointed in thy skip's preferred position.
6. Thou shalt not wear pants of outrageous design. If this ye doest, thy fellow curlers must heapeth scorn and insults upon thee.
7. Thou shalt not covet thy opponent's in-turn or out-turn. Neither covet thy foe's draw weight.
8. Thou shalt not hoggeth thy rock in the shoot-out. If this ye doest, ye must offer up a double round to appease the wrath of thy team-mates.
9. Thou shalt not let thy head swell with victory over thy betters. Woe unto he who does, for he shall come crashing rudely to the earth.
10. Thou shalt not heap blame upon the keepers of the ice for thy losses. Neither shall ye blame the makers of the rocks. Blame not thy team-mates, yet look inward to thyself for fault.

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• speaks to the beginner who is assigned as Lead:
  "He that is without sin among you, let him cast the first stone." (John 8:7)
  
  
• urges the Second whose Lead has drawn two stones into the house:
  "Be thou a guard unto them." (Ezekiel 38:7)
  and, as his Skip throws a take-out, exhorts him to use his broom with a personal resolution:
  "I will sweep with the besom of destruction." (Isaiah 14:23)
  
  
• describes the Vice(-skip)'s shots:
  "The rocks are thrown down by him." (Nahum 1:6)
  and notes the remarks of surprise and joy made by his Skip:
  "Behold he smote the rock" (Psalm 78:20)
  "Their rock is removed out of place." (Job 14:8)
  
  
• makes only one comment about the activity of the Skip:
  "Why stand ye here all the day idle?" (Matthew 20:16)
  

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• From King John, a word to curlers in general:
  
  
  "Blow each dust, each straw, each little rub, Out of the path."
  
  
• From A Midsummer Night's Dream:
  
  
  "To show our simple skill, That is the beginning of our end."
  
  
• From Cymbeline, tactics when you're leading and you've got the hammer:
  
  
  "I'll throw it into the creek, Behind our rock."
  
  
• From The Merry Wives of Windsor, a skip's advice on Beginners' night:
  
  
  "Who's there, I trow! Come near the house, I pray you."
  
  
• From Troilus and Cressida, a comment on an obvious novice:
  
  
  "Look you what hacks are on his helmet!"

• From The Merchant of Venice:
  
  
  "Allay with some cold drops of modesty, Thy skipping spirit."
  
  
  
• From Othello:
  
  
  "Do you perceive how he laughed at his vice?"
  
  
• From Richard the Third:
  
  
  "Richard the Second here was hack'd to death."
  
  
• From King Lear:
  
  
  " 'Tis the times' plague, when madmen lead the blind."

• From As You Like It:
  
  
  "Sweep, you fat and greasy citizens."
  

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10. Men don't fall asleep when play is completed.
9. In Mixed Curling, women always shoot first.
8. The Iceman always cleans the sheets after you play.
7. Short is not always bad.
6. You can use your rubber more than once.
5. You get to shoot your rocks 16 times in just one game.
4. The harder you stroke, the further it goes.
3. You can score more than once in each end.
2. You can do it in eight houses in less than two hours.
1. In Mixed Curling, it's acceptable to play with your best friend's wife !

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• Tough shot : Anything the Skip misses.
  
• Shit shot : Anything you miss.
  
• Blanked end : Nobody had draw weight.
  
• Bury : What you do with your head when you hog your rock in the eighth end.
  
• Double : What you order at the bar when you lose.
  
• Draw weight : Damned if I know!
  

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Contact  ICING :  Author / Auteur:  Peter M. Smith
                                 E-mail / Courriel:  psmith@icing.org
                                 Postal mail / Courrier postal:  73 Appleford Road, Hamilton, Ontario, Canada.  L9C 6B5
                                 Telephone / Téléphone:  1 905 389 7781
                                 Fax / Télécopieur:  1 905 318 7515